The Lingerie Project: Meet حليمة.
This week, حليمة will be going by a pseudonym that is very close to her. The name translates to “Halima.”
“Women of status from 600-630 in the Middle East did not breast-feed their children. They always had a wet nurse, and the one to the man that would become the prophet, her name was Halima. Halima translates to the feminine of ‘dreamer’. I picked that pseudonym because the irony runs very thick within it for myself. She was the woman that breast-fed the prophet. I have had a double mastectomy and will never have the ability to breast-feed.”
“I was so afraid that when I had that first mastectomy, my feeling of erotica, my feeling of femininity, my feeling of just being a girl with breasts would be gone. Its like your core element of being feminine is your breasts. First they removed the left one and I was lucky enough to not have chemo-radiation. I held onto the right one as long as I could until I had a bit of a benign scare. Then I just decided that I wasn’t gonna deal with it anymore. It was very stressful, and every time you go in for a checkup [the doctors] look at you and poke at you like an insect.”
“My surgeon told me that women that do this prophylactic mastectomy end up coming out of it very empowered. And I told him I didn’t need to be empowered; I needed to be حليمة. But now I couldn’t be happier. Yes, I will never breast feed, I will never be Halima. But it was actually very nice after I had the reconstructive surgery, because my breasts were perfectly symmetrical and I could wear any bra that I want. Now I have a set of perfect boobs, and I can go without a bra if I want to.”
“In a former life, I was Saladin’s favorite concubine. I used to ride out with him and we’d battle the crusades, and I had my own horse and everything.”
“I love the whole concept of appreciating female beauty through the lens of lingerie. I just love it. Getting fake breasts really changes your whole perspective. Now that I have them, I love buying bras. I never even have to try bras on in the store. I don’t know if I would have ever considered [the Lingerie Project] prior to two years ago. But since I had the double mastectomy, since I had cancer, I am a very happy person. I did lose sensation throughout by breasts. In fact they have no sensation whatsoever. They cut off all the nerves, but I was lucky enough to keep my nipples. These aren’t tattoos. The cancer was caught early enough to spare them. My surgeon said that he has only performed 12 nipple-sparing mastectomies in his practice, because very few cases are caught early on in young people.” 
“My scars are fading, and I’d like to get tattoos that run across it in Arabic. It’s a quote from the Koran that says, ‘God does not burden the soul with what it cannot handle.’ It’s kind of my fuck you to God”
“I hate being called a breast cancer survivor. It actually pisses me off. It implies that I am grounded in the whole breast cancer issue, and I’m not. My whole thing was that I never wanted to be sick. Getting better for me was a lot of it in my attitude. At first I did feel sorry for myself for the first few weeks, but then I had to snap myself out of it. I don’t like being called a victim either; because I’m not. I am someone that overcame something. Its just like if you got strep throat. Do you call yourself a strep throat survivor? You got it, its over, its done. Basically, if you need to call me something, call me an ‘ex-breast cancer person’. I have moved on. I am just a very, very, fortunate and lucky person, and I know that. I’m not into running all of these marathons. I donated my boobs. That’s enough. They got what they needed. They’re researching my boobs, that’s enough.”
“I am the happiest single person alive right now. I have never been more confident. I look at my life with men since the cancer and I think I have every right to be picky. I always have to think that if I’m interested in someone and that interest is reciprocated, there’s that moment where I’ve gotta evaluate; are the scars worth revealing to him? Is he worthy of knowing this? And trust me, it makes you a very picky person, because many men aren’t. Many men are just there to hook-up and that’s it. And you suddenly find yourself in a smaller and smaller population of men. It’s really a judgment call whether or not this person is worthy of the next step. There hasn’t been that many at all in the last two years.”
“I love a man that’s smarter than me, someone I’m always climbing to and challenged in my own intelligence. I love the intellectual orgasm. If someone can stimulate your mind to the point of intellectual orgasm, that moment of euphoria in your mind, you can reverse it into a carnal orgasm. It’s come in handy because I can’t feel anything in my breasts, and I have to be my own voyeur, I used to be all about my breast giving me pleasure, and its almost like my mind fills a void for its absence. Its like I know the erotica that is happening there and I have to trick my mind into feeling what is going on there. I had these sensations once, like a blind man that could once see.” 
It’s true that whatever kills you makes you stronger. But why even let it get to the point where it can kill you? Fight it. Revolt against it. Do not go gentle into the good night. I will kick and fight before I let something take over me…and honestly, it’s really mean! All of a sudden your body decides its gonna turn on you…what the hell? I didn’t do anything to you! I was eating broccoli and being good to you! You’ve gotta realize that you are in charge and not it. Do not give in to it. Conquer whatever it is out there. Do not let it take over you
…Oh, and lace bras. I can’t live without them.
[originally posted 3/8/11]